Prediction: Atlanta Falcons VS Dallas Cowboys 2025-08-22

"Falcons vs. Cowboys: A Preseason Snore-Fest Where Even the Birds Are Asking, 'Why Are We Here?'"

Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round for the most thrilling event in sports: the Atlanta Falcons vs. Dallas Cowboys preseason finale! If “thrilling” is code for “a nap with ambient crowd noise,” then consider this your official invitation to witness NFL players who’d rather be anywhere else—probably a hammock, or a coffee shop, or a time machine that skips directly to the regular season.

---

### Parsing the Odds: A Statistical Masterpiece (or a Spreadsheet Error?)
Let’s start with the numbers, because even in preseason, the bookmakers are here to remind us that someone is profiting from this chaos. The Cowboys are listed as 2.5-point favorites, with decimal odds hovering around 1.65-1.68. Using our trusty formula for decimal odds (1 / decimal_odds * 100%), this implies Dallas has a ~58-60% implied chance to win. Meanwhile, the Falcons hover around 2.2-2.3 odds, translating to ~43-45%—not great, but not exactly a math whiz’s worst nightmare.

The total points line? A paltry 35.5, down from 36.5, as if the universe is subtly mocking fans who still think preseason games are about football. For context, the Falcons have averaged 15 points per preseason game, and the Cowboys a slightly less anemic 17. Add ’em up, and you get… 32. Exactly the kind of score that makes the “Under” bet look like a genius decision.

---

### Digesting the News: Where Are My Stars?!
Both teams have treated this game like a casting call for The Backup QB Chronicles. Atlanta’s Michael Penix Jr. and Kirk Cousins? Sitting this one out, presumably sipping kombucha and judging their teammates’ footcare. Instead, we get Easton Stick, who’s thrown two touchdowns all season—if you count “td” as “turning down a promotion to starter.”

Dallas? They’re giving Joe Milton, a QB whose career highlights include “not Dak Prescott,” a shot to “find out more about [him],” per coach Brian Schottenheimer. Translation: “We’re contractually obligated to keep this guy on the roster, and we need to justify it.” Meanwhile, Dak Prescott is probably playing golf, or at least daydreaming about it.

---

### Humorous Spin: Because Laughter Is the Best Defense
Let’s be real: This game is the NFL equivalent of a 10-minute “to be continued…” episode of a canceled TV show. The Falcons’ offense? It’s like a toaster in a bakery—present, but useless. Their reliance on Easton Stick is akin to asking a toddler to solve quantum physics: “At least he’s trying!”

The Cowboys’ defense, on the other hand, might as well be a human wall made of granite. Or maybe a granite wall made of humans. Either way, they’re not letting many points through, which is good news for fans of the “Under” and bad news for fans of actual football.

And let’s not forget the fans! Want to watch this masterpiece? You’ll need NFL+, which costs $14.99/month—if you have the willpower to stream instead of just… napping.

---

### Prediction: Who Cares? (But Also, Who Wins?)
After crunching the numbers, consulting my crystal ball (which is 75% Google Sheets and 25% caffeine), and asking a squirrel for its expert opinion, here’s my verdict:

Dallas wins 17-14, with 3 total touchdowns and a field goal that feels like a mercy killing.

Why? Because the Cowboys’ backups are slightly more “battle-tested” than Atlanta’s, and because the Falcons’ offense would struggle to score on a pizza delivery. The game will likely fall comfortably under the 35.5 total, as both teams treat this like a mandatory HR seminar on workplace safety.

So, grab your least favorite snack, set your alarm for 8 p.m., and enjoy the NFL’s gift to us all: a game where the most exciting play is a player figuring out how to tie his own shoelaces. Yawn.

Final Verdict: Bet the Under and forget the Falcons. Dallas wins by a nose—or, more accurately, by 3 points. Now go forth and enjoy your Friday night… or don’t. No one’s judging.

More archived NFL Preseason predictions

Original social copy